About Alex V.

I'm basically amazing.

5 Reasons why the Illuminati are in control


1: Because they’ve infiltrated all aspects of our society

So your walking down the street with the girl I love and I’m like Forget you! and you see an old lady walking a dog. You pass right by them because they’re adorable, and there is no way they could do any harm right? WRONG!

Normal Grandma and Dog? Or? ILLUMINATI!?

For every 2 grandmas who are innocent and sweet, studies show that there are EIGHT! who are evil and Illuminati members. That’s right, 83.3 of all innocent grandmas are actually not innocent and actually evil. Actually.

Yep. 100 percent correct statistics.

2: Because we have all become part of the system

“I ain’t going to be part of this system!” ACTUALLY though, Andy Samberg. You are.

See that’s the sad part, even the legendary Andy Samberg is part of the Illuminati. And we trust him and many other celebrities when really they’re part of the Illuminati. We trust the government even though they too are part of the Illuminati. YOU MAY BE TRUSTING THIS BLOG POST WHEN REALLY I AM FEEDING YOU FALSE INFORMATION BECAUSE, YES, I AM PART OF THE ILLUMINATI.

3: Because they utilize the force

Jedis are Illuminati. Simple as that.

Alternate Symbol for the Illuminati.

Yeah, pretty much. Having the force gives them an advantage.

4: Because We let them!

Yeah. When was the last time you did anything to stop them from bringing about the new world order?

Average Reader’s response: “Never 😀 Go die!”

5: But it’s okay that we let them because seriously the Illuminati don’t do anything.

Lol when was the last time you heard of the Illuminati actually doing anything. That’s right.

Losers. Go get a job.



As the impending apocalypse approaches, we will all start living by a code that I’m sure that many of you are familiar with. YOLO. (You Only Live Once)



And now I’m starting to talk to inanimate photos. Sorry. I’ve had a bad day.

Anyways, soon the mayans will have control. Because that’s what 2012 is right? Anyways, my theory is this. As the date starts to become closer, everyone will start living by the philosophy of yolo. Which means everyone will figure, “Hey, the world might end, why don’t we all be IDIOTS”. And when this happens, everyone will try to do backflips. BUT THEY DONT KNOW HOW TO DO BACKFLIPS.


And what happens when one commits an unsuccessful backflip you may ask?


Therefore, everybody, now attempting backflips, will die.


If that doesn’t make cents think of when Anakin tried to save Padme in Star Wars Episode 3: Return of the Sith.

Let’s just say that didn’t end well.


Pictured Above: What happens when you give me access to a blog.

Why Racism is Bad

Hating black people is bad

Hating white people is bad

Hating Jews is bad

Hating gay people is gay bad

Hating gingers is ok bad

Hating people who constantly cross out words is bad

Hating blog writers is bad

Hating people who have colored hair is bad

Hating Jennifer is bad is basically what I’m saying

Joking thats not the point of this post

Hating people who say something is the point of a blog post then take it back is bad

Hating Murderers is bad. Theyre people too you know. THEY HAVE MOMS

Hating Hipsters is bad.

And we’re back to Jennifer.

Hating triangles is bad.

Hating wordpress is bad

Hating food is bad

Hating bananas is the worst offence you can commit.

But apparently its okay to hate Joseph Kony, If your reading this then go die in a hole.

Do you see how that was okay?

Is his first name Joseph . Not sure, Ill google it. Have fun with this blog post.

And remember.




69 Reasons to join Sunshine Colored Ductape

1: We blow up hospitals. Or is that too far? If not then visit:



2: Are you sure that every girl in the world secretly loves you?

Visit: Aninfinitespace.wordpress.com


3: Do you thrust your hips into the air when you think no one is looking? Then live at:



4: I found my virginity at:



5: Looking for legal marijuana?



6: Do you want to see where pi ends?

Find out at: Aninfinitespace.wordpress.com


7: Looking for a purpose in life?



8: Where do thoughts come from?

Don’t care? Then go to:



9: Don’t have enough money to afford a brazzers account?



10: Aninfinitespace.wordpress.com



Aninfinitespace.wordpress.com OR DIE


11: Have you ever wondered if water is wet?



12: Do you think this caption is amazing?

Then go to: Aninfinitespace.wordpress.com


13: Do you enjoy murdering innocent children? If not then go to:



14: If you want the power to instantly teleport to Disneyland then visit:




15: Do you desire to travel beyond the speed of light?



16: It’s nothing like any girl you’ve ever seen before. That’s because it’s a blog.



17: Feel like getting a free 100$ Bill?



18: My penis grew after visiting:



19: Looking for a comedy blog that won’t give you herpes?



20: Wanna know how to get that arrow out of your knee?



21: Ever seen the color zanguple? If not then visit:



22: Do you want me to stop watching you sleep at night? Then visit:



23: Sometimes, at night when everyone else is asleep, do you cover yourself in Vaseline and pretend your a slug? Visit:



24: Do you hate wordpress sites? Then visit:



25: Wanna get your cherry popped without feeling pain? Then visit:



26: Want to grow a pubic hair beard? Then visit:



27: Is Facebook too mainstream for you? Then fuck you hipster visit:



28: Do you find yourself attracted to trees?



29: Do you get lost in your own home?



30: Did you have a dog for breakfast this morning?



31: Thinking of committing suicide?



32: Do you want to know how Ted finally meets the kid’s mother? Then visit: Aninfinitespace.wordpress.com


33: Do you not understand the above reference? Then visit:



34: Did you respond out loud to the questions on this flier? If not then visit:



35: If I asked you to go to Aninfinitespace.wordpress.com would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this one?


36: Aninfinitespace.wordpress.com

You know what to do


37: If you think swearing is fucking retarded? Then visit:



38: Do you check under your bed for hipsters and Scientologists every night? If so then go to: Aninfinitespace.wordpress.com


39: Do you have a 10 button on your calculator? Then your probably high.


40: Are you an independent black women who don’t need no man in her life? Then visit:





41: Done with homework? I didn’t think so. Either way visit:


42: Not done with homework but looking for a way to finish it all instantly?


43: Ever had sex with a Volkswagen?


44: Do you swallow gum because spitting it out is too mainstream?


45: Disappointed because its against the law to keep slaves?


46: Have you laughed since reading these reasons?


47: Have you not laughed since you started reading these reasons?


48: Don’t have internet access?


49: If you saw that one person in that one movie that one time visit:


50: If you have 99 problems but reading unfunny blogs Ain’t one of them son then visit:


51: Are you tired of hipster blogs all about Nutella? (tumblr)


52: Are you a pyromaniac?


53: Do you want to know what the color “red” is?


54: Do you have a PHD in horribleness?


55: Looking to adopt a Nigerian princess?


56: Does your face make small children cry?


57: If your name is Han and you shot first then visit:


58: If you wrote the draft for this list of reasons using a stolen pen then- Wait. Thats just me? Then I best be heading down to:


59: Do you do things for the lulz?


60: Are you the troll under the bridge?


61: Are you tired of having the comedy site you read confused with a drug? (cracked) Then visit a new one at:


62: If you think you are the most interesting man in the world and you don’t prefer Dos Equis go to:


63: If your the real slim shady go to:


64: If your “a doctor not a blog reader” then visit:


65: If you can use the force even though you have a low midichlorian count then visit:


66: If fuck midicholrians then visit:


67: If you are the “Apex Predator” then go to:


68: If you do not fit any of the above criteria go to:


69: If you think its immature that this ad has exactly 69 reasons go to:

The Disease of Cynical Assholism


A new disease is sweeping the nation. It’s called: being an asshole, or in severe cases: A cynical asshole. In fact one of our own writers may have it:* ACHEM mediocrity and averageness * The post previously linked, makes small children cry. The disease has recently gotten publicity when Stan got it in an episode of South Park.

As you can see this disease is widespread and can affect all aspects of your life. Think of this post as both a personal story and a PSA. Now the first thing you may be wondering is what this disease is and the symptoms of it. The disease known as being an “Asshole” “douche” “mean buttface” or “squidward” is scientifically known as Cynical Assholism, or, simply, Assholism. Some Symptoms include: being a sarcastic douche, being racist, trolling, trolling the internet, BEING on the internet, calling other people assholes, believing the world is devoid of all light and goodness, calling other’s “dirty asian pieces of fat shit”, and murdering innocent children to see how loud they will scream. These are just a few of the absolutely devastating affects that can occur thanks to this disease. It has two phases, being an asshole, and being a cynical asshole. If not treated in the first stage, it could develop into cynical assholism. In this stage not only does everything above happen, but literally everything you see is shit. Like, literally.

Now you might be wondering why I’m writing and caring about this disease all of a sudden. The answer is that I HAVE IN FACT BECOME AN ASSHOLE. I don’t want to get into it because it is very distressing to me, but I will tell you some details. When I first learned of my problem, I decided to stop being an asshole and be awesome instead. True Story. BUT IN A TRAGIC TURN OF EVENTS… IT DIDNT WORK. AND SO. I have decided to go and get some help at an organization known as CAA. Or. Cynical Assholes Anonymous. I have asked the kind (HA! KIND! AS IF!) if I could film myself at one of their meetings for this blog, and eventually (after much, much drugged completely normal wine they accepted my offer, so I should eventually link the video to you guys below. So remember, if you know anyone who is a cynical asshole, get help immediately.

Cures: There are no permanent solution for Cynical Assholism, but a short-term cure is Alcohol, in small doses. That combined with weekly therapy (CAA) is the closest thing that we have to a cure. Meth helps too.

A side note: If you by mistake go to ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS INSTEAD, then after you guys talk they will offer you alcohol in the parking lock. And though smaller amounts of alcohol can help cure the disease, large amounts can make you go from calling people fat to, say, blowing up hospitals.

What? Me? Plan to be an asshole? NO I DONT PLAN THINGS IM A MAD DOG AND STUFF

Famous cases


His sarcasm could make Jason Bourne cry.

Cartman though this may be caused by a related disease known as small penis syndrome.

It was later discovered he had poor eyesight, actually making it look larger.

Stan was a cynical asshole.

Justin Beiber is constantly being an asshole to all of good music in general

Johnny depp, though a great actor, wishes he was European which he isn’t. This results in him being an asshole to both Americans and Europeans.

Chris Brown for beating Rihanna

Rihianna for getting back together with Chris brown. Oops that doesn’t make her an asshole. Just a stupid whore. My bad.


Kim mardashian

Arjun Banerjee

Kanye West

Now Taylor, and Imma let you finish, but this was actually planned all along.

<insert video here later>

Why I didn’t go to the winter ball

Why I did not make it to the High School Dance

I woke up from my after school nap, told my parents I was leaving the house, to which they responded “FINALLY”. I assumed this was because of me letting in the four stray cats  the previous day but it could have been a number of reasons. I left the house but as I entered the sunlight, it began to burn my skin. I quickly realized that I must be a vampire and began running in circles outside, screaming “SAVE ME FROM THE SUN AND I VONT SUCK YOUR VLOOD!” The neighbors, who were used to this, replied “Alex, are we going to have to call the cops again?” But it was too late, by now I had used my super vampire speed to run to the police station for help.

This picture depicts me, sucking a young teen's blood. Also I forgot how to spell.

Their response was to test my blood for drugs which is stupid, because scientific evidence shows that there is no connection between vampires and drugs. They found that I had not taken any and were very puzzled. Then a teenage girl came out from behind a counter (apparently it was bring your daughter to work and have her watch as you interrogate  dangerous criminals day). She decided it would be funny to make a vampire joke, or maybe it wasn’t a joke I’m not sure, but she said “If your a vampire, then how come your skin didn’t sparkle in the sun when I saw you coming earlier?” She and the police began cracking up. To this I replied “TWILIGHT IS NOT VAMPIRES YOU STUPID FATTY”. And as the police were still laughing over what one of their daughters said, I quietly stole one of their guns and shot the daughter in the foot since she was so stupid. And fat. Now since I had never used a gun before turns out they have something called “recoil” which I was not expecting. Bottom line is that as I shot the gun, though I assume I hit my target, the gun flew back and hit me in the face, rendering me unconscious.

This is probably how I looked. Wait. When did I get out of cat form?...

The next thing I knew, I woke up in jail. I tried shaking the cell door open. No dice.  For a moment of pure fear I thought I might be in trouble. I then sighed with relief as I remembered my lock picking skill was over 9000 75. I pulled the lock pick out of my pocket, and picked the lock of my cell door. It was around this time that I realized I wasn’t a vampire. Getting hit in the face must have changed me back. I didn’t search the area for my belongings as I had none. Instead I ran right out of the jail into Whiterun San Bruno. I remembered with a rising urgency that the dance was in a few minutes, as it was 6 45. I started whirlwind sprinting back to Capuchino High School. But then I saw a shady looking person in a dark alley. I figured I had a few minutes to spare, and I walked into the back alley, as was my custom whenever seeing people in dark alleyways. He said while looking around “Yo kid, you buying??” I replied ” Sure! What are you selling?” He replied ” Just some Coke, Acid, the usual shit. What you want??” I said ” OOH is acid a new type of candy? Is it similar to warheads?” The guy looked at me funny for a second then replied “Sure, why the hell not”

This is what the guy looked like, for reference.

So I gave him the cash, and I received the candy  and I continued running towards the high school. As I was running, I popped the candy into my mouth. But then everything changed. To avoid making this post too long click here to hear about my acid experience. Anyways, later. And I mean later. I regained my normal senses, and I made it to the dance at around 8 oclock. I started right in, but I did’nt have ticket. That’s when I remembered I never bought a ticket since no one would go with me. And that, kids, is How I met your mother why I didn’t make it to the dance. True Story.

The Singularity

The Singularity is coming. You can’t stop it. Not only is it guaranteed to come but its imminent. OK. Now that I’ve got your attention I’ll explain. What is this “singularity” you might ask? Something I read about in Time magazine one time and now think I’m an expert at. The singularity is defined as the point where artificial intelligence becomes more advanced than human intelligence. Not in simple ways such as being able to beat us at chess or do math problems fast, but becomes able to do things like make ethical decisions, or realize how bad the star wars prequels were. Basically, its the point where robots and technology gain sentience. This may sound like science fiction, but its no more science fiction than toilets that shoot water onto your backside and then blow-dry you. Not only is it a legitimate idea, but its backed by big names like NASA and Google. They built a university based on the subject called the Singularity university. Anyway, the singularity will probably be coming about in a matter of only 35 years (give or take a few). The theory goes like this: Technology is currently increasing at an exponential rate; that is, technology is getting faster, and the rate of how fast its getting faster, is getting faster. So, it’s getting faster, faster.

With “Faster Faster” in the previous sentence, there is probably a sex joke you can < insert here >

So what happens when all that computing power is put towards making something that resembles the human consciousness? The singularity. The time at which there is expected to be this much computing power available is around the late 2040s. Remember that this is all a theory so it should be taken with a grain of salt. Although you can of course not take it with a grain of salt and believe me completely. So, once the singularity arrives what will happen? Almost anything you can imagine.

Do you hear that? That is the sound of a thousand nerds crying out in joy

The possibilities are almost endless, but for the your convenience, I have come up with three, what I think are plausible, scenarios.The good, the bad, and the ugly neutral. The first (and optimistic) one is a scenario in which the sentient robot beings decide to help us with our lives and are generally benevolent beings. This could range anywhere from turning our world into a paradise, to prolonging our lives indefinitely. The second scenario is one where the beings are malevolent. In this scenario, the beings would likely not want to compete with us for resources, and would probably extinguish much of life on earth.

We all know you were thinking about it

The third, final, and neutral scenario is one in which the newly sentient beings decide that they would rather not stay on earth and have to live with us, but also don’t want to take the opportunity to kill us. They would then decide to leave this planet. These, are just my personal theories about the singularity, and remember that they are nearly infinite. People (like me) who believe that the singularity will come about, are known as Singularitans. Though their beliefs vary greatly, they all believe that life, in one way or another will eventually change in a drastic way.  You may agree with this theory or you may think that it’s crazy, but either way, you have to admit that at least Singularitans are thinking about the future, which is more than some of us can say~