The Disease of Cynical Assholism

 

A new disease is sweeping the nation. It’s called: being an asshole, or in severe cases: A cynical asshole. In fact one of our own writers may have it:* ACHEM¬†mediocrity and averageness * The post previously linked, makes small children cry. The disease has recently gotten publicity when Stan got it in an episode of South Park.

As you can see this disease is widespread and can affect all aspects of your life. Think of this post as both a personal story and a PSA. Now the first thing you may be wondering is what this disease is and the symptoms of it. The disease known as being an “Asshole” “douche” “mean buttface” or “squidward” is scientifically known as Cynical Assholism, or, simply, Assholism. Some Symptoms include: being a sarcastic douche, being racist, trolling, trolling the internet, BEING on the internet, calling other people assholes, believing the world is devoid of all light and goodness, calling other’s “dirty asian pieces of fat shit”, and murdering innocent children to see how loud they will scream. These are just a few of the absolutely devastating affects that can occur thanks to this disease. It has two phases, being an asshole, and being a cynical asshole. If not treated in the first stage, it could develop into cynical assholism. In this stage not only does everything above happen, but literally everything you see is shit. Like, literally.

Now you might be wondering why I’m writing and caring about this disease all of a sudden. The answer is that I HAVE IN FACT BECOME AN ASSHOLE. I don’t want to get into it because it is very distressing to me, but I will tell you some details. When I first learned of my problem, I decided to stop being an asshole and be awesome instead. True Story. BUT IN A TRAGIC TURN OF EVENTS… IT DIDNT WORK. AND SO. I have decided to go and get some help at an organization known as CAA. Or. Cynical Assholes Anonymous. I have asked the kind (HA! KIND! AS IF!) if I could film myself at one of their meetings for this blog, and eventually (after much, much drugged completely normal wine they accepted my offer, so I should eventually link the video to you guys below. So remember, if you know anyone who is a cynical asshole, get help immediately.

Cures: There are no permanent solution for Cynical Assholism, but a short-term cure is Alcohol, in small doses. That combined with weekly therapy (CAA) is the closest thing that we have to a cure. Meth helps too.

A side note: If you by mistake go to ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS INSTEAD, then after you guys talk they will offer you alcohol in the parking lock. And though smaller amounts of alcohol can help cure the disease, large amounts can make you go from calling people fat to, say, blowing up hospitals.

What? Me? Plan to be an asshole? NO I DONT PLAN THINGS IM A MAD DOG AND STUFF

Famous cases

Squidward

His sarcasm could make Jason Bourne cry.

Cartman though this may be caused by a related disease known as small penis syndrome.

It was later discovered he had poor eyesight, actually making it look larger.

Stan was a cynical asshole.

Justin Beiber is constantly being an asshole to all of good music in general

Johnny depp, though a great actor, wishes he was European which he isn’t. This results in him being an asshole to both Americans and Europeans.

Chris Brown for beating Rihanna

Rihianna for getting back together with Chris brown. Oops that doesn’t make her an asshole. Just a stupid whore. My bad.

Wario

Kim mardashian

Arjun Banerjee

Kanye West

Now Taylor, and Imma let you finish, but this was actually planned all along.

<insert video here later>

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